Post Four: Dropping the Rope - The Dynamics of Dysfunction

The game of tug-of-war can be an endless exercise of push/pull, push/pull. It gets tiring, and I am so very tired.

In a game of tug-a-war one person wins when the other person is pulled into line (or falls in a heap). The game also ends when one person just decides to drop the rope and walk away. Game over.

I have decided to drop the rope. This is called 'no contact' (NC).

NC is the last resort available to me and NC is my decision. I have no other choice if I want to feel safe and work on getting healthy. No other choice if AB and I want to repair 'us'.

I can't control what she says about us, her smear campaign, what she thinks, what she does. That is her stuff. I can't fix anything. I also can't control your decisions. They are yours, as are the consequences.

I can only control what I say, think and do and I take full responsibility for my decision and it's consequences.

No contact means - no contact. No engagement at all.

In short, she is dead to me, and in all honesty, she 'died' when I had my light bulb moment. I kept nudging the corpse, hoping, but no, I can no longer make excuses for her choices and her behaviour. 

Or my own. 

The seven stages of grief are well known. It has been 16 months since the person I have been kidding myself she was, 'died'. It is time to pick ourselves up and get on with life.

Dealing with grief is not easy. It's like a bad flu - you think you are over the worst and then Wham! There you are again, flat on your back, reaching for the tissues, burrowed up in a darkened room. 

It will take time, but grief passes. Eventually. As does life.

Post Three: The email she sent me after we handed them the Notice to Leave form on September 1st, 2013.

Dutiful Daughter

  

Received your eviction notice.   My Husband and I have not seen you for three months so how we can be making you both feel "literally" sick is beyond me. We are extremely happy and have a good social life and nice friends. We don't interfere with your life.

We have spent 3 years planning, building and settling here and now we have to get out so you can have a music room , or an office or maybe rent it to a friend?  Who knows and who cares really? We have spent $30,000 of our money on this and it all stays here with you.  There will be a $$$return  when you sell.  I just wanted  you  to get medical treatment for your alcohol abuse over the past 30 years.

You know very well I am on oxygen 24 hours a day and it will be a slow move. We have to find a flat, with no money and move and relocate. I have only been out of hospital not even a week.

I remember we were in Sydney in December seeing Brother 'S' and you said on the phone "take your time, there's no rush for you to get back, enjoy" .

Of course, you had people coming to pick up the furniture of mine you sold. How embarrassing that would have been had we arrived back unannounced. 

My legal advice is I can ask you for the value of my furniture (which I believe to be at least $5000). Should this be considered we would be able to move a lot faster.

I have photographs of all my furniture in my home and I'm sure no-one would think I would just give it up.   I may be old but I'm not senile. Far from it. I raised four children, worked as a nurse for 30 odd years and was never on a single parents pension. I looked after my father before he died with cancer and I bought a house for my mother to live in. She moved into a church unit of her own volition when it got too much for her and she made the decision, when she was 85, to move into a nursing home after suffering several falls.  It was I who was there when they both died and it was I who paid for my parents funerals. 

There was no inheritance from them and I did not expect one. I have never bludged on anyone in my life.

AB was yelling and threatening me in his garage on Saturday morning. I think it's called "chesting"..."I'm bigger than you" sort of male thing. This was before you presented the eviction notice in the unit.  I am concerned about my safety as he has yelled and screamed at me before, several times, calling me a "narcissistic, greedy. old bitch" . Then he ran over to the house to get you and you appeared with "L" as a witness and the eviction notice.

I can apply for an AVO but I don't want to do that as I know this lasts forever on someone's record. It is never expunged.

The second last time I entered your house was December 23rd, after realising my antique hat stand was not at the front door. It was then you told me you had sold  most of my furniture.    When confronted you said "you have no idea what I've sold".  I know I called you "a piece of work" and left, with Tony again screaming abuse at me.  There was a huge rainfall on January 27th and My Husband and I went over and tried to stop the rains from falling into your house. We moved furniture from the verandah to inside and grabbed towels to mop up the water.  You were both away at Bribie island.

You know I had bowel cancer and have COPD and Asthma and serious lung disease. You also know My Husband is 80 with a serious heart condition.  My Husband told you I was seriously ill last year and the doctor said to tell the rest of the family to expect the worst.  My Husband did so and you said "She' been dying for years".  I am concerned about the lies you are spreading but people are understanding of your condition.    I have many friends who know I did not give my furniture to you, only loaned it, as I also have a son who may have wanted some.

You had our Power of Attorney but this has now been revoked so you should note that fact now.

This letter says it all. I want recompense for my furniture, as mentioned above and I want my antique ice cream scoop, cupcake decorator and the book of daily bible sayings my Mother gave me, which I loaned to you.  You also have a large wine shaped crystal vase which my husband gave me. As for other things, jewellery, objects,  I care not. 

My Husband has many of his tools and bits and pieces in AB's "Bunnings" garage, which he wants to retrieve.

Please see your doctor and have treatment, stay away from the alcohol and take Vit. B

I don't blame you for anything, I just want you to get treatment.

Ever your Mum

Post Two: Definition of a Gift aka 'The Great Furniture Saga'

Gift - A gift or a present is an object given without the expectation of payment.

Loan - Something lent for temporary use; a sum of money lent at interest; a grant for temporary use eg. she asked for the loan of a garden hose.

Over the years My Mother has given us/me things. These things included some furniture. We always said thank you.

Not once has My Mother ever said to me, "Can you mind this piece of furniture for me while we move interstate/move house. I will expect you to look after it for me (for up to 17 years) and at any time, I can ask for it back".

I would have said, 'No Thanks'.

However, I can itemise everything she has given us over the years, mainly because she has always reminded us of the 'gift' on a fairly regular basis. That was a red flag I missed as that behaviour and attitude was part of my 'normal'.

They were never gifts in the first place. 'Giving' us stuff was a double whammy: a gesture to let us know we needed her cast-offs, while simultaneously allowing her to appear generous and helpful. At what point does a gift become a 'lend' in the mind of the lender? 

She is saying I sold 'her' furniture. 

I sold: a day bed ($110) and a hallstand ($135).

The day bed: given to us when they left Sydney (and it did not fit in the new house). We transported it to QLD when we moved. It was sold because it was in the way on the verandah and, after I found a brown snake under a cushion, I didn't feel good about plonking my butt on it. In short, it no longer suited our needs and did not suit our new house.

The hallstand: given to us after we helped renovate their flat on the GC (and it could not fit in the flat). We need bookcases and, with limited wall space (too many windows), sold the hallstand to make room. In short, it no longer suited our needs and did not suit our house.

With the $245 we bought two bookcases, with doors, that are very useful. Put me in gaol if the above is a crime. 

And 'no', we are not giving back every 'gift' we have been 'given' over the years. If she had her way I would be giving her my very life. Because I owe her. She told me so. She even said the stopped 'calculating the compound interest' on the cost of bringing me up at $500k.

And it should be noted, we never asked for any of it! 

And in comparison to the debt they have left us in, they can go take a flying F#%@

Post One: 10 Lies She Has Told About Us That Are Simply NOT True

1. My Mother and her husband have only lent us money once. $5,000 dollars for cash flow when I was selling my cafe. We paid them back as soon as the cafe was sold, with interest.

2. They did not lend us money to buy our first home.

3. They did not lend us money to buy a business when we moved to our current address. We asked, but they refused - too risky and they had to think about their retirement. We said 'fair enough'.

4. My Mother was NOT a battered wife in her first marriage.

5. When My Mother left Sydney she cared so much about her brain damaged son's welfare she did NOT give him her phone number.

6. It was agreed that if we sold their Sydney home for the price they wanted they would pay us $10,000, instead of the (approx.) $28,000 the RE Agent was charging at the time. We sold it. She did not want to pay us. She did pay us, but resented the fact and still does. She did not just 'give us $10k for nothing'.

7. I am not mentally ill.

8. I am not seeing a psychiatrist.

9. I was seeing a therapist.

10. Neither my partner nor I have Wernicke–Korsakoff's Syndrome.